Why I started a blog today
I've been trapped inside my own head for either weeks or years and I don't know what any of it means or where I should be going.
I tried counselling once but didn't know what to say. I answered her questions the same way I answer anyone. I just said empty words and hoped the conversation would move onto something else, like one of her opinions. I was the one who was meant to do the talking but I don't know how to talk more than a sentence. All I could say was that I was fine. I felt incredibly socially uncomfortable, as I mostly do, and didn't know what the right thing to say was. It didn't matter the questions were coming from an empathetic place. I was mute, and she was helpless. I think it was scheduled for half an hour but after ten minutes I was walking home feeling bemused and a bit annoyed at myself for not knowing what the fuck was going inside my own head.
If don't start a blog all the stuff that would be on my blog would be as lost as I am. Blogging is a bit like thinking but there are some differences. The death of a thought occurs simultaneously with its conception. A blog isn't timeless but it's not going anywhere. And thoughts aren't one hour in the making. Yes, this took me one hour to write.
I struggle to construct narrative and it's making my life difficult.